Are you a mind reader?
This is the first installment of a series on the most common “cognitive distortions,” or thinking errors. Most of us are subject to these, and they can hold us back from our full potential and cause totally unnecessary angst.
The good news is that once you know what they are, they’re pretty easy to spot and self-correct.
Throughout this series, I’ll spotlight one and share some tips. As we go through, take stock of which cognitive distortions pop up most often for you, and jot down some quick answers to the reflection questions.
We’re starting off with a bang, with my favorite cognitive distortion and one that comes up often for my high achieving and empathic clients:
Mind reading.
What it is:
In this context, “mind reading” refers to an attempt to know what another person is truly wanting/thinking/feeling…without actually hearing it from them. It’s an attempt to divine another person’s state of mind.
This shows up often in highly empathic people, because we’re so used to being able to accurately assess and anticipate another person’s feelings that we don’t notice when it’s crossed the line from healthy empathy, into making (partially or completely) ungrounded assumptions about their needs or thinking.
It becomes a distortion when we don’t even realize that we’re actually guessing and making up stories in the absence of actual feedback from the person. And even if you do realize you’re just guessing, it’s also a problematic distortion if you find yourself losing significant time and energy in the guessing process.
When it happens:
I notice that mind reading gets pulled out of the (crappy) toolbox most often when two key ingredients are combined:
Potentially threatening situation + information vacuum.
- Potentially threatening situations can be minor, like worrying you said something dumb at happy hour, or major, like worrying you’ll be laid off.
- Information vacuums involve a lack of communication and feedback from the other party/parties involved.
We may get a little uncomfortable and panicky about the potentially threatening situation. The natural human response in that case is to seek reassurance and feedback to assess the situation more accurately.
If that feedback and reassurance are not immediately found (the information vacuum), our brains resort to trying to guess what the other person is saying/thinking. This process happens so swiftly we usually aren’t even aware of it.
This is totally understandable and normal; again, the trick is to realize that this mind reading attempt is happening and become conscious that what the stories you’re making up are not necessarily grounded in reality.
Then, it’s your job to get clear on what information you really need, and be proactive and direct about getting it.
Example:
Your boss has delegated a new area of responsibility to you. They’ve been busy and not had much time to actually go over details or expectations with you. Mind-reading would have you guessing 97 different possible rationales for them delegating this area to you, trying to anticipate what exactly they’re wanting from you, and swirling trying to prepare for every possible outcome.
What to do if you catch yourself doing it:
Ask yourself:
- What am I actually afraid of in this situation?
- What reassurance/feedback/information am I actually seeking?
- How could I get the information I’m looking for in a more direct way?
- What assumptions am I making about the other party?
- What other explanations or interpretations might exist?
- What concrete evidence supports the story I’m making up? What evidence is there for other possible explanations?
- How can I self-soothe until I’m able to get the information I need?
Reflections:
- What’s a time you were attempting to mind-read?
- What about the situation kicked you into mind-reading mode?
- How did that serve you?
- How did it not serve you?
- What’s a different way you’d want to approach that situation if it came up again in the future?
