Confrontation is the Worst

Confrontation is the worst.

Who’s with me?

If I had a nickel for every difficult personal conversation I’ve avoided, I’d have *almost* enough nickels to fund all the therapy that not-having-the-difficult-conversations necessitates.

On the plus side, the sheer terror of initiating confrontation led me to spend an inordinate amount of time figuring out how to do it as painlessly as humanly possible.

Here are a few of the most helpful things I learned:

• Ask the other person for permission before launching into your concern.
  
• Make sure you’re in a calm, centered, curious head space before discussing. 
  
• Be realistic about what you can expect from the other person. If you’re dealing with someone who has limited self awareness or an unwillingness to change, do the cost/benefit calculation for yourself before expending the energy trying to address an issue with them.
  
• If they are a safe and open person, consider the possibility that they might actually be grateful to know how they can make you feel more comfortable in the relationship.
  
• Giving lots of preamble and hedging language makes it worse.
  
• Don’t view it as a zero sum game. Asking to have your needs met doesn’t inherently mean theirs WON’T be met anymore.
  
• Focus on specific, observable outcomes you want to see changed from the other person.
  
• Don’t assume you know what’s been going on in their head.

Ironically, I spend a huge portion of my coaching sessions prepping people to initiate difficult conversations at work. For most of us, this is WAY easier in a professional context than a personal one. But it really does get easier with practice.

The idea of having to raise a concern to another person, in my personal life, still makes me want to crawl into a cave and hide until humanity has destroyed itself (which – silver lining – could be any day now). 

But these days, I gather my courage and actually do have the tough conversations. 

Let’s be real – it’s still stressful beforehand and I am usually exhausted after.

But mixed in with that exhaustion is relief, and a truer and deeper bond with the other person and with myself.