A Case of the “Shoulds”
Today we’re on to part 8 of our series on the most common “cognitive distortions,” or thinking errors. This is the second-to-last installment before we wrap up this series.
Cognitive distortion #8 is…
“Should” statements
What it is:
At its core, the “should statements” cognitive distortion revolves around rigid expectations and self-imposed standards we place upon ourselves. These thoughts arise when we believe that things should be a certain way, either in our own lives or in the behavior of others.
It’s like carrying around an invisible measuring stick, constantly comparing reality to an idealized version in our minds.
When it happens:
The shoulds tend to kick in when there’s a gap between expectation and reality, and we’ve labeled the reality as a disappointment.
A perceived failure or setback may trigger thoughts like, “I should have succeeded” or “I should have known better.” Similarly, when we witness others behaving in a way that conflicts with our expectations, we might find ourselves thinking, “They should have acted differently.”
Examples:
- Career Expectations: Imagine you didn’t get that long-awaited promotion. The moment disappointment hits, you might hear an inner voice saying, “It should have been me that was chosen.” These thoughts only exacerbate the original distress by adding a layer of resistance to what occurred.
- Relationship Dynamics: When conflicts arise in relationships, you might start should-ing the situation. Thoughts like, “They should always agree with me” or “I should be able to make them happy” overlook the complexity of human interactions and breed resentment.
- Self-Care Guilt: “Should” statements can make us feel guilty for prioritizing our well-being. Thoughts like “I should be working instead of taking a break” disregard the importance of self-care and perpetuate burnout.
What to do if you catch yourself “should”ing
- Cultivate self-awareness: Begin by paying attention to your inner dialogue. Notice when “should” or “shouldn’t” statements arise. By being aware of these thoughts, you can start to challenge their validity and reduce their impact.
- Surface and challenge assumptions: Try consciously identifying the expectations and standards you’ve set for yourself and others. Often simply bringing these to light makes it abundantly clear how unrealistic those expectations were in the first place, and it becomes easier to let them go. As you get more practice with this, try also identifying the original source of the underlying expectation, and examining who really benefits from you attempting to adhere to that expectation.
- Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding. Embrace the reality that everyone makes mistakes and that life rarely adheres to our expectations. Practice self-care, forgiveness, and empathy toward yourself and others.
- Reframe and realign: Shift your perspective from what should be to what is. Embrace the present moment and focus on what you can control. Try to identify unexpected benefits of the “disappointing” reality. Redirect your energy toward setting realistic goals and taking steps to achieve them without dwelling on past “shoulds.”
Reflections:
- What’s a time you engaged in “should”ing?
- What about the situation kicked you into “should”ing mode?
- How did that serve you?
- How did it not serve you?
- What’s a different way you’d want to approach that situation if it came up again in the future?
